


Anything Worth Holding On To

by unsaltysaltines



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Nicole Haught is my girl ok, She Gets Me, this isn't set anywhere in particular so let's call it 'canon-adjacent?', tw: depression, tw: suicidal thoughts/ideation/attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-19 14:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17603429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaltysaltines/pseuds/unsaltysaltines
Summary: She rolls over to face Waverly, expecting to see the same pity in Waverly’s hazel eyes that she’s gotten time and time again from everyone she’s let herself care about.Instead, she’s met with only love and concern.Waverly Earp is looking at Nicole like no one else ever has.***Nicole doesn't want to bare her own soul to the world when she could be protecting the people she loves most instead. But sometimes, you just don't get to make that choice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is so close to my heart and soul, y'all. I've been working on it bit by bit for a long time, and sitting on the finished product even longer. I needed this to feel real and authentic, and I hope I've done it.
> 
> PLEEEEASE READ THE TAGS.

_Waverly: How’s patrol going?_

_Waverly: Anything good??_

_Waverly: Wynonna’s insisting on “family bonding” night_

_Waverly: SAVE ME_

 

Waverly is notorious for double-, triple-, and even quadruple-texting on a daily basis, _especially_ when she’s bored. Nicole smiles weakly at the notifications that flood her home screen and turns back to the deserted road with a sigh. Even though her patrol shift hasn’t been hard, it’s been _long_ , and Nicole just wants to collapse into bed.

 

Later, as she’s closing up the office for the night, Nicole’s phone lights up with another text from Waverly:

 

_Waverly: You alive? Once you’ve fed CJ you should come over and SAVE ME!!_

 

Waverly’s enthusiasm is impossible for her to resist, so Nicole sends back a couple of emojis in response-- the unicorn (Waverly’s favourite) and a couple of kissy faces-- and heads to her place to feed Calamity Jane and change her clothes before heading to the homestead.

 

As she buttons up her favourite flannel shirt in the quiet of her bedroom, it’s like someone has tripped a switch in Nicole’s brain, a wave of dread crashing over her and flooding her senses. She sinks down on the bed, hoping that it’s just the product of long hours and that if she just sits calmly for a couple minutes it’ll go away.

 

***

 

When Nicole knocks gently on the front door, she can tell the Earp sisters are already a couple drinks deep into “bonding time.”

 

“You realize you practically _live_ here now, right Haught stuff?” Wynonna exclaims, flinging open the door to reveal Nicole leaning against the frame, her eyebrows raised in mild amusement.

 

“Listen, Earp,” Nicole says, rolling her eyes. “I don’t need the snark tonight.” Brushing past Wynonna, she steps inside and kneels down to untie her boots. As she starts to make her way to the kitchen for a drink of her own, Wynonna catches her arm.

 

“Everything okay?” She asks, the attitude suddenly gone from her voice.

 

“I’m fine. Just tired.”

 

“Well Waverly’s in the bathroom and you know where the alcohol is,” Wynonna says. She narrows her eyes slightly at Nicole, clearly not convinced that she’s telling the truth.

 

Nicole opens the fridge to a brand-new six-pack of her favourite cider, something Waverly’s taken to stocking without mention. Taking a deep swig, Nicole settles herself in her usual spot on the Earps’ living room couch and sighs.

 

A minute later, she feels strong, familiar hands on her shoulders, massaging gently.

 

“Hey baby,” Nicole says, her heart beating a little faster like it always does when Waverly enters a room.

 

“How was work?” Waverly asks. She gives Nicole a quick kiss and and joins her on the couch.

 

“Nothing special. What’re we up to tonight?”

 

“Wynonna’s making us watch some scary movie.” Waverly rolls her eyes and settles herself beside Nicole, her own drink in hand. “You gonna hold my hand during the scary parts?”

 

Nicole smirks and threads her fingers through Waverly’s. The other woman hated scary movies, but she was willing to put up with them when it was Wynonna’s turn to pick the movie.

 

Nicole doesn’t pay much attention to the movie, and most of it goes by in a blur of fake blood and melodramatic screams. She spends most of the movie enjoying the feeling of Waverly’s hand in hers and the weight of Waverly’s body pressed against hers as she gets sleepier and sleepier, eventually settling with her head in Nicole’s lap.

 

“Is everything okay?” Waverly asks quietly during a lull in the movie. Her hazel eyes, heavy with tiredness, are filled with concern as she props herself up to meet Nicole’s eyes. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight.”

 

“I’m just tired, baby.”

 

 _Just tired_ , Nicole repeats to herself.

 

“Do you want to go up to bed? I’ll be right behind you.” Waverly sits up, all too eager to stop the movie. “I’ll just prod Wynonna in the direction of her bed first.” She gestures over to her sister, who’s sacked out in her chair in what looks to be the world’s least comfortable position.

 

Nicole nods and is out of the living room in a flash. She changes into the pajamas she’s left at the homestead (really, all her clothes are split at this point) and practically falls into Waverly’s bonus-blanket heaven of a bed.

 

She’s already half asleep in the comfort of her girlfriend’s bed when Waverly appears in the door. Nicole lifts the covers a little for her to slide in, and makes to settle into their usual sleeping position, only to be stopped by Waverly’s hand on hers.

 

“Let me hold you.”

 

Without another word, Waverly gently rolls Nicole over and wraps her arms around her waist in one fluid motion. Nicole feels one of her hands slip beneath the hem of her tank top and come to rest on her stomach, fingers tracing soft circles on her skin.

 

The gentle touch and repetitive motion releases a little of the tension in Nicole’s body, and she hopes that Waverly’s touch is enough to keep the nightmares away. Just for one night. One night of peaceful sleep was all Nicole asked.

 

“Baby, are you _sure_ you’re feeling okay?” Waverly asked, breaking into Nicole’s thoughts. “You’re so tense.”

 

“I haven’t been sleeping.” Nicole says bluntly. There’s no point in dancing around it anymore, and she’s too tired to come up with an excuse anyway. “I mean, I’ve been _sleeping_ , but just a couple hours a night.”

 

Waverly kisses Nicole’s neck lightly. “You’ve been tossing and turning a lot more than usual.”

 

The revelation sends a pang of guilt through Nicole’s heart. Waverly Earp sleeps like the dead, so if Nicole had been restless enough for her to take notice, it was certainly worse than she thought.

 

“I’m sorry baby,” Nicole murmurs, “I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately.”

 

 _I know_ exactly _what’s going on with me,_ she thinks. _But there’s no use bothering Waverly with it now._

 

“Don’t be sorry,” Waverly mumbles as sleep threatens to overtake her. “Just know you can be honest with me.”

  
***

 

The next morning, Nicole knows something in her is different, but she goes about her business like everything is normal, because there are demons to track down and revenants to take out and idiots who thought driving buzzed was a safe bet.

 

A couple more sleepless nights leave her dozing off at her desk and on patrol and she knows she’s seriously risking Nedley’s wrath, but she can’t find it in herself to care. She even starts begging off BBD cases with Wynonna and Waverly, claiming that Nedley was working her overtime.

 

There’s distance growing between Nicole and the rest of them, but Waverly doesn’t want to mention it in case Nicole is just feeling overworked. She’s noticed that when Nicole is dealing with a lot, she withdraws a little to take care of herself. But she always comes back.

 

Wynonna, on the other hand, isn’t buying it. She’s been through enough shit of her own to recognize the same signs in Nicole.

 

And her suspicions are all but confirmed one afternoon at the station, when she watches Nicole and Waverly deep in discussion over some case files on Nicole’s desk. Nicole’s all dimples and doe eyes while Waverly’s talking to her-- the same gross stuff as ever-- but as soon as Waverly leaves the office, it’s like watching someone suck all the air out of Nicole. Her shoulders slump, her eyes dull, and she suddenly looks as though she’s right on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

 

Before she gets a chance to bring it up, however, Nicole gets summoned out on a call and is out of the station in a flash.

 

***

 

The call is just a neighbourhood disagreement that’s easy enough to resolve, but Nicole still has to go back to the station to file her report before going home for the night.

 

Rounding the corner into the office, Nicole jumps about a foot in the air when she sees Wynonna plopped down at her desk, playing with her phone.

 

“Jesus Christ!” Nicole exclaims, her heart racing. “Wynonna, what are you _doing_?!”

 

“Needed to talk to you,” Wynonna says with a shrug. “I figured I’d wait around so we could talk in private.”

 

“Why in _private_?” Nicole asks, irritated, as she kicks Wynonna out of her desk chair and sets about finishing her work for the night. “Can’t this wait until we get back to the homestead? I’m really not-”

 

“You’ve been acting weird the last couple weeks.” Wynonna cuts Nicole off unceremoniously. “You’re not planning on breaking up with my sister, are you?”

 

“ _What?!_ ” Nicole yelps, horrified Wynonna would even suggest it, “Of course not!”

 

“Then what the hell is going on?”

 

Wynonna fixes Nicole with such an intense stare, it makes her more than a little uncomfortable.

 

Nicole sighs and turns back to her computer. “There’s just a lot going on for me right now.”

 

“Right,” Wynonna scoffs. “Like I haven’t used _that_ excuse a million times myself.”

 

“Wynonna, I know you’re not big on saying what you mean, but just get to the _point_ ,” Nicole huffs, rolling her eyes. “I’d like to go home eventually and see Waverly.”

 

“Just…” Wynonna grabs Nicole’s shoulder as she tries to brush past her. “I’m saying I know a goddamn thing or two about the demons Peacemaker _can’t_ put down. That’s all. If you need to talk to someone who you’re not currently schtupping-”

 

“ _Wynonna!_ ”

 

“-I’m _say-ing,_ I’m here if you need a friend. Now, I need a ride. My truck’s still in the shop.”

 

They ride back to the homestead in an uncomfortable silence, and pretend everything is normal for the rest of the night.

 

***

 

When Nicole wakes up the next morning, she knows something isn’t right. She rolls over and looks at her phone, which says that it’s almost eleven o’clock-- hours later than usual, even for a day off. Waverly’s up and buzzing around the house; Nicole can hear her laughing at something downstairs.

 

Nicole burrows a little further in the blankets, notices that someone apparently dropped an anvil square in the middle of her chest during the night, and sinks a little deeper into the mattress.

 

_How am I gonna explain this to Waverly?_

 

She lays in bed a while longer, the blankets pulled up almost over her head. She feels paralyzed by the thought of having to get up and face the day, but also by the thought of Waverly finding her like this.

 

“Nicole?”

 

Nicole’s chest tightens when she sees Waverly appear in the door, a mug of tea in each hand. Shame wells up inside her at the look in Waverly’s eyes-- she looks so worried, and Nicole didn’t want her to ever have to look at her like that.

 

“I made you some tea.” Waverly says quietly. She sets one of the mugs down on Nicole’s bedside table and perches on the side of the bed beside her, her own mug in hand. “Are you feeling okay?”

 

Waverly hadn’t been too concerned about Nicole until she had come home late from work the night before with Wynonna in tow. Her uniform, which usually clung to Nicole in all the right places, suddenly looked looser, and holding Nicole in her arms the night before Waverly felt something different .

 

She reaches out to push some of Nicole’s hair back from her face, but the other woman shrinks away slightly at her touch.

  
“Hey…” Waverly rests her hand beside Nicole instead. “Whatever it is…you can talk to me.”

 

A twinge of hurt creeps into Waverly’s voice, and an apology tries to work its way out of her, but Nicole just can’t get it out. Instead, her body tenses, then goes slack as she fights the part of her trying relentlessly to keep her down.

 

_And winning._

 

“Baby…”

 

Waverly sees the conflict ripple through Nicole’s body and sets her own mug down to take Nicole’s hands gently. “I don’t know what’s going on, but Wynonna and I are here for you.”

 

There’s so much Nicole wants to say. She desperately wants to leap out of bed and embrace her girlfriend and brush the whole morning off as a fluke. But she’s trapped.

 

Waverly sits with Nicole for a little while longer, not pressing her to talk. Eventually, she’s able to coax Nicole out of bed with the promise of her famous pancakes. Nicole’s stomach growls in response, and with a giggle Waverly gives Nicole a kiss on the cheek and hops off the bed.

 

“Thanks, baby.” Nicole murmurs.

 

***

 

The next week, Wynonna and Waverly are patching themselves up at the homestead after a particularly nasty revenant run-in when Waverly finally speaks her mind.

 

“Wynonna, I’m really worried about her.” Waverly blurts out, without context.

 

“Who, the revenant girl we just sent back to Hell? Because I think she’ll be fine.”

 

Waverly shoots her sister a dirty look across their kitchen table. “ _Nicole_. I’m worried about her. Nedley barged in this morning, wondering if I’d killed his deputy because she hasn’t been to work all week. Plus, she hasn’t been answering any of my texts.”

 

That’s a red flag Wynonna can’t ignore. Nicole’s _always_ texting Waverly mushy one-liners and enough lovey emojis to make Wynonna nauseous.

 

“Baby girl, I’m gonna go check on her,” Wynonna says slowly. “I think she’s havin’ a hard time.”

 

Waverly doesn’t ask how Wynonna managed to gain any insight into her girlfriend’s behaviour-- their relationship is a strange animal she doesn’t question.

 

***

 

 _I should text Waverly_.

 

The thought crosses Nicole’s mind for what seems like the thousandth time.

 

That she should text Waverly to let her know she’s okay.

 

To ask her to please come over.

 

That she needs her now more than she ever has.

 

But she hasn’t spoken to anyone in days. Nicole just can’t figure out what to say. It’s not something she’s ever been comfortable with, sharing this part of herself.

 

She physically curls further into herself under the weight of her comforter as she curls into herself mentally under the weight of her own thoughts.

 

Nicole unlocks her phone, and the last message Waverly sent her stares back at her, almost like it’s mocking her.

 

_Waverly: Baby, I’m worried about you. Please just let me know you’re okay._

 

Waverly’s usual cheery tone is missing from her last few texts. Even when she’s having a rough day, she usually adds an emoji or two, but it’s the lack of emojis and exclamation points that makes Nicole’s heart clench. What she could possibly say to her girlfriend that might begin to make up for nearly a week of missed calls and ignored messages?

 

_She probably hates me. That’s why she sounds so different._

 

The thought comes so naturally, and is such a strong force, that Nicole locks her phone and slides it under her pillow. Calamity Jane meows her displeasure as Nicole pulls the covers back up to her neck and takes off for the living room.

 

Nicole falls asleep in front of her open laptop. It’s her umpteenth time going through _The Office_ because it’s the only thing that makes her feel even a little better.

 

***

 

Wynonna Earp has experienced her fair share of mental health troubles. There was just something about accidentally killing your own father and being ostracized from society that did a number on a person’s psyche.

 

As she drives the familiar back roads to Nicole’s house, Wynonna thinks about her own issues and tries to come up with a plan for how she’s going to talk to Nicole. Especially because “emotionally constipated” has been used to describe Wynonna’s m.o. on more than one occasion. Plus, she and Nicole may be friends, but they don’t exactly talk about big life issues. That’s Waverly’s turf.

 

“Haught?”

 

The house is dark, thanks to the shades that are pulled tight against the afternoon sun. Nicole’s cruiser is parked outside, so at the very least Wynonna figures she’s home.

 

Wynonna shrugs off her jacket as she pulls up a couple shades to let some light in.

 

“Jesus…” she hisses to herself.

 

Blankets and pillows are strewn across the living room couch, like she’s got company. There are books out of place and dishes strewn all over-- empty mugs on the coffee table, a kitchen knife laid across the cutting board, a few plates in the sink.

 

This isn’t normal Nicole Haught behaviour. On more than one occasion Wynonna has witnessed a hungover Nicole wake up early after movie night, stumble into the kitchen to clean up and make sure everything was returned to its proper place, then stumble back to bed to sleep it off. And Wynonna had made sure to make fun of her for it it every time.

 

Finding no signs of life on the first floor, she heads up the stairs in the direction of Nicole’s bedroom.

 

Wynonna knocks gently on the only closed door in the dark upstairs hall.

 

There’s no answer from the other side, so she quietly opens the door.

 

“Haught?”

 

The room is dark, curtains drawn against the blinding reflection of the sun off the snow outside.

 

Wynonna can see red hair poking out from beneath a floral comforter and breathes a sigh of relief that she’s at least _here_.

 

She doesn’t answer-- or even look her way, for that matter-- but Wynonna can see that she’s breathing.

 

 _Good sign,_ she thought.

 

With a small meow, Calamity Jane leaps from her perch at Wynonna’s disturbance, winding herself around Wynonna’s ankles once before trotting back down the hall.

 

“Haught stuff…” Wynonna murmurs. “You gotta start talking to us…”

 

Nothing. Nicole doesn’t even acknowledge that another person is in the room.

 

Wynonna sinks to her knees next to the redhead.

 

She’s curled up in a tight fetal position, like she’s trying to make herself disappear. Her skin is paler than usual, which makes the dark circles under her eyes stand out. It even looks like she’s lost weight.

 

Wynonna can hear sirens going off in her head. She’s seen this before-- because she’s _been_ in this position before. And she knows what can come next.

 

“Just…” Wynonna takes a deep breath to steady her voice, “tell me you didn’t do anything…you haven’t tried anything…nothing crazy, right?”

 

Nicole still doesn’t say anything, but shakes her head slightly.

 

“Okay.” Wynonna sighs. “I just…I’m not kidding here; Waverly was about ready to dispatch _Nedley_ out here to make sure you didn’t get eaten by a revenant. She means well, but…” Wynonna sighs. “The cops come here, they’re gonna take you to the E.R., and _they’re_ just gonna ship you off to St. Jude’s, and pump you full of heavy-duty drugs, and you’re not gonna be… _you_ anymore. Ever.” She can feel desperation creeping into her voice. “I sure as shit wasn’t.”

 

Still nothing.

 

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to us, okay?” In an uncommon display of affection, Wynonna reaches out and tucks some loose hair back behind Nicole’s ear. “Waves _and_ me. So I’m gonna sit here until you’re ready to say something. To me, to Waverly, to the _cat_ …I don’t care.”

 

With that, Wynonna flops down beside Nicole on her back, her heart racing. She’s still not used to being the one doing the rescuing, _especially_ when it comes to things that Peacemaker won’t solve.

 

While Wynonna sits with Nicole, she texts Waverly.

 

_Wynonna: She’s ok. At her place now._

 

***

 

It’s a few more minutes before Nicole works up the nerve to say anything.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

Her words aren’t much more than a whisper, but Nicole could have been screaming at the top of her lungs for all the effort it takes her to produce them.

 

“ _Je_ sus Christ,” Wynonna exhales in relief. “At least you’re still _somewhere_ in there.”

 

She offers Nicole a hand, and the redhead accepts silently. She lets Wynonna help her sit up among the nest of blankets and pillows that have amassed from days on end of not bothering to make her bed. Nicole’s head pounds as she runs her hands through her messy hair and adjusts her shirt.

 

“Look…I’m not gonna make you talk to _me_ about whatever’s going on here. But I _am_ gonna take care of…all this.” Wynonna declares, gesturing to the blanket nest. “Or make the bed, or _whatever_ . And _you_ are gonna get in the shower and wash your hair-- it’s not as annoyingly shiny as usual. _Then_ we’re gonna call Waverly. Okay?”

 

“You don’t have t-”

 

“I _know_.”

 

Nicole jumps slightly as Wynonna gently rests a hand on one of hers. Looking down, she can see that she’s gripping the edge of the mattress harder than she thought possible, as though she’s trying to keep herself from falling off a cliff.

 

Which honestly doesn’t feel so far from the truth.

 

“Nicole…it’s gonna be okay.”

 

Wynonna’s gentle tone, such a departure from her usual snark, is reassuring. She accepts the hand Wynonna offers to help her to her feet and takes a deep, shuddering breath.

 

“Thanks, Wynonna.”

 

“Go take a shower, Haught pants. I love you, but you’re starting to smell.”

 

***

 

Nicole closes her bathroom door gently behind her. She peels off the clothes she’s been wearing for two days, but even that simple motion feels heavy, weighed down, as if she’s moving underwater. Everything has felt like this lately; even when she’s with Waverly, it’s like Nicole simply isn’t there. She hasn’t been able to yank herself out of the fog.

 

She turns the water up as hot as she can possibly stand, and leans against the sink while she waits for it to heat up. Pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes, Nicole tries to take a couple deep breaths to clear her head.

 

Nicole’s not stupid. She knows herself and her own behaviour patterns well enough to know that she’s gotten very bad very fast.

 

Faster than she ever has before, now that she’s stopped to think about it.

 

 _Great_ , Nicole thinks, sighing and running a hand through her hair in frustration.

 

Dread settles in the pit of Nicole’s stomach as she steps under the stream of the shower as she thinks about what she’s going to say to Waverly.

 

 _Waverly_.

 

Between revenants crawling everywhere, the parallel universe-hopping, and the general supernatural nonsense, she’s already had to deal with with so much bullshit since they’ve started dating. The thought of heaping her own emotional problems on top of that makes her feel like crawling into a hole.

 

Nicole doesn’t have to deal with a cursed family or the baggage that comes along with it. She’s just a rookie cop trying to make her way in a weird little town. It’s not fair that Waverly should have to deal with her girlfriend’s unnecessary emotional baggage, when she has her own stuff to deal with. When Waverly’s got demons chasing her family down, Nicole has to be strong for her.

 

Nicole’s tears mix with the steaming water as it cascades down her shoulders, and she’s glad Wynonna can’t see her.

 

***

 

“Haught stuff, how long have you been off your meds?”

 

Nicole froze in the middle of toweling her hair dry, perched on the edge of her now-bare bed.

 

“How-”

 

“Oh please.” Wynonna scoffs. “You do realize you’re talking to the _mayor_ of Crazytown?” She sits down next to the other woman. “But seriously, you’ve been acting way weirder than usual lately. Not like yourself.”

 

Bailing on dates with Waverly.

Burying herself in work.

Not butting in on Black Badge cases every ten minutes.

 

As Wynonna mentions each change, Nicole feels her heart sink a little more. Clearly she hasn’t been hiding it as well as she thought.

 

“Plus, I found the empty bottle while I was cleaning up.” Wynonna adds with a shrug. “So tell me. How long?”

 

“I don’t know, two months?” Nicole’s voice breaks. “Things were going so well with Waverly, and I was feeling so much better. I just thought it’d be okay…”

 

“I’ve done that more times than you’d believe,” Wynonna says with a snort.

 

“Oh I believe it.”

 

“Then believe me when I say it backfires like this _every time_ .” Wynonna’s voice is suddenly deadly serious. “I’ve done so many _stupid_ things because I thought I didn’t need meds. I just thought I could handle myself. But being back in Purgatory has made me realize that it’s _okay_ to need that help.” After a pause, Wynonna wraps an arm around Nicole in a rare embrace. “You’re part of the crazy club now. I’m serious,” she adds as Nicole rolls her eyes weakly, “we gotta look out for each other.” She gives Nicole a playful nudge.

 

“Thanks, Wynonna.”

 

“I got you, Haught stuff. Now, are you ready to call your girlfriend?” She gestures to where Nicole’s phone is sitting on her nightstand.

 

Looking at it, Nicole feels her stomach drop, like she’s going to pass out.

 

“I can’t-”

 

“Look, _I_ will call her.” Wynonna says quickly as Nicole’s face blanches. “But you’ve _got_ to be honest. She loves you, Haught. You’ve just gotta let her in. Plus, she won’t stop ‘processing’ everything out loud, or whatever. It’s driving me nuts.”

 

***

 

Nicole is sprawled out on her stomach, hugging a pillow to her chest, when she hears the door open quietly behind her. She assumes it’s just Wynonna or the cat, so she doesn’t acknowledge it.

 

A gentle pressure next to her startles her slightly, and suddenly she’s there.

 

Waverly.

 

She’s wrapping her arms around Nicole’s waist, playing the big spoon for once, and pulling her close and Nicole’s never felt so safe in her entire life.

 

She smells sweet and floral-- like home.

 

“It’s okay.” Waverly murmurs. “You’re gonna be okay.” She threads her fingers through Nicole’s and holds her hands tight. Nicole curls into the softness of her girlfriend’s body.

 

“Waverly…” Nicole’s voice breaks. She rolls over to face Waverly, expecting to see the same pity in Waverly’s hazel eyes that she’s gotten time and time again from everyone she’s let herself care about.

 

Instead, she’s met with only love and concern.

 

Waverly Earp is looking at Nicole like no one else ever has. Nicole has been in relationships before where her depression reared its head like this, but nobody ever treated her the way Waverly was right now. Girls got angry, girls got scared, and they always, _always_ left.

 

Except Waverly.

 

“It’s okay, baby, you’re gonna be okay,” Waverly repeats. She gently runs her fingers through Nicole’s damp hair and presses a kiss to her girlfriend’s forehead.

 

“I’m so sorry…”

 

She can’t stop the sob that rises from the deepest recesses of her soul. Nicole buries her face in Waverly’s neck as she falls apart in her girlfriend’s arms. “I should have-”

 

“Don’t.”

 

Her voice is firm, but there’s still nothing but love in Waverly’s voice, and she’s looking at Nicole with so much tenderness that she can feel her heart twist in her chest. “Don’t apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong.”

 

“I ignored you and blew you off and-”

 

“It’s okay, baby.”

 

Waverly sits up and holds the quivering redhead tight. Nicole has her arms around Waverly’s neck so tight, it’s like her life depends on it.

 

_It does._

 

As much as Nicole doesn’t want to admit it to herself.

 

Waverly rubs gentle circles between Nicole’s shoulder blades and reassures her that things are going to be okay. She starts telling Nicole about the day’s adventures with Alice, how Waverly had _almost_ gotten her to try the organic baby food she’d been trying so hard to perfect and how she realized this afternoon that she has toes.

 

She lets Nicole fall apart in her arms and doesn’t press her to talk. When she’s run out of stories to tell about her baby niece, she just strokes Nicole’s hair until she’s calmed down. It’s the same motion she’s done countless times before when Nicole had woken up shaking beside her after a nightmare.

 

Which had gotten more frequent, now that Waverly thought about it.

 

“Baby, have you eaten anything today?” Waverly asks quietly. She pulls away slightly so she can look Nicole in the eyes.

 

Nicole swipes roughly at the tears coursing down her cheeks and shakes her head.

 

“Let’s go downstairs and see what you’ve got, okay? You’re shaking.”

 

Holding Nicole in her arms, Waverly also notices that it feels like she’s lost weight. The loose clothes she’s wearing don’t give anything away, but Waverly’s never quite been able to feel Nicole’s ribs like she can now.

 

Twenty minutes later, Waverly sets a grilled cheese in front of Nicole and hands her a mug of her favourite tea. Nicole smells the tomato and basil Waverly added to it, her favourite.

 

“I even used the real cheese, just for you.” Waverly smiles warmly and kisses Nicole’s forehead.

 

It’s been days since Nicole was able to muster up the energy to so much as turn on the stove. Plus, it’s not like she’s been hungry for the last few weeks anyway.

 

“Baby…” Waverly begins tentatively, “How long have you been feeling like this?”

 

“I don’t know…a couple months?”

 

“ _Months?_ ” Waverly’s voice comes out a lot louder than she had intended, and she feels her cheeks flush. “Baby you know-”

 

“I _know_ I can talk to you,” Nicole cuts her off, frustration accidentally creeping into her voice, “I didn’t want to bother you, not when you have so much going on already. And I guess I thought I could handle it on my own but…” Nicole’s voice trails off and she tries to fight back another round of tears, “I just wasn’t strong enough.”

 

“ _Nicole_ …” Waverly reaches out and grabs Nicole’s hand. “Don’t _ever_ say you’re not strong enough. I know it doesn’t feel like things are gonna get better-”

 

“Waverly, what if they don’t?” Nicole asks tearfully.

 

More than anything, Nicole sounds scared. Her eyes are wide with anxiety and Waverly feels helpless to do much more than hold her and reassure her that things will be okay.

 

Because they will be.

 

Waverly will do anything to make sure of it.

 

***

 

When Wynonna finally reappears after going out to get some groceries to restock Nicole’s painfully empty fridge, she’s immediately greeted by her sister’s arms flailing in an obvious “shut up” gesture. Wynonna is confused for just a moment, until she takes in the scene in front of her.

 

Waverly’s in her usual spot on the couch, cradling Nicole’s head in her lap. One arm is wrapped around the redhead’s shoulders, and Wynonna’s gaze follows Waverly’s arm to where Nicole’s fingers are threaded through hers.

 

It’s been obvious to Wynonna from day one that Nicole has been a lifeline to Waverly. She keeps her grounded in reality when everything around them falls to shit week after week, and the fact that she’s a gun-toting cop certainly doesn’t hurt.

 

But when she sees how peaceful Nicole looks, when Wynonna knows she’s hardly been sleeping, it’s clear that Waverly does the same thing for Nicole. It’s weird to see her baby sister acting as the protective one, but it suits her.

 

“How is she?” Wynonna asks quietly. Reaching into one of her shopping bags she pulls out a bottle of whiskey, taking a deep swig before setting it down on the endtable beside Waverly.

 

Waverly just shrugs halfheartedly.

 

“Figured. Did she eat?”

 

“Not a lot, but…” Waverly shrugs again. Nicole looks peaceful as she sleeps bundled up in her favourite quilt and her head in Waverly’s lap.

 

But Waverly knows she’s anything but. And even in spite of all they’ve been through together, she feels completely powerless to help Nicole through this.

 

“Depression’s some tough shit, baby girl.” Wynonna sighs from her chair. She addresses Waverly, but from the look in her eyes Waverly can tell she’s thinking about her own experience. She’s looking past Waverly at Nicole, and there’s something clouding her eyes that looks like sadness.

 

***

 

While Waverly goes to take a shower, Nicole changes into her favourite pajamas. They’re nothing special, nothing sexy, just a pair of plaid flannel pants and a university t-shirt. For just a second, as she turns down the blankets on her bed and collapses into it, things feel almost normal again.

 

Calamity Jane jumps onto the bed and curls up beside Nicole. She reaches out to scratch the ginger cat behind the ears, earning herself a few loving headbutts in response.

 

“Hey baby.”

 

Nicole twists around to see Waverly in the door, drying her long hair with a towel as it falls over her shoulder in loose waves. Nicole notices she’s wearing one of her shirts, an old Academy shirt, and can’t help but grin.

 

“What? Did I miss suds somewhere?” Waverly inspects herself quickly.

 

“You didn’t miss anything. I’m just happy to see you.” Nicole properly rolls over onto her other side so she can get a better look at Waverly. Even though things feel impossible to her right now, the sight of Waverly Earp walking into a room is still enough to make Nicole’s heart race.

 

Her cheeks flushing slightly, Waverly sits down on the edge of the bed next to Nicole and takes her hand, threading their fingers together. Waverly leans forward and kisses Nicole gently. Nicole props herself up with her elbow to get closer to Waverly.

 

“I love you so much.” Nicole says quietly.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Waverly climbs over Nicole’s legs to crawl into bed beside her, which sends Calamity Jane running with a cranky meow. Waverly stretches out beside Nicole, wrapping her arms around Nicole and pulling her body as close to hers as humanly possible.

 

Nicole loves her. She loves everything about Waverly Earp, right down to the wrinkle in her forehead she gets when she’s focusing on something particularly hard.

 

Like right now. Nicole can see she’s studying her closely.

 

“What’re you thinkin’ about? You’ve got that ‘look.’”

 

Waverly struggles with how to put any of her thousand questions into actual words.

 

“Baby, I…I just have to ask…” _because I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t_ , she thinks, “Are you thinking about…hurting yourself?”

 

Nicole freezes, her entire body going rigid in Waverly’s arms. Her physical response is enough of an answer.

 

“ _Baby_ …”

 

Nicole tries to roll onto her other side, away from Waverly, her cheeks burning with shame. She’s stopped by Waverly’s iron grip as she grabs Nicole’s hands and makes her face her.

 

“Don’t.” There’s a new rawness to Waverly’s voice. “Nicole, _please_ don’t shut me out.”

 

“I’m so sorry Waverly,” Nicole whispers. “I didn’t want to scare you but…”

 

Waverly presses her lips to Nicole’s forehead. “I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

 

Nicole’s heart pounds so hard it’s making her dizzy. She doesn’t want to be having this conversation, not with _Waverly_. It’s hurting her, even though she won’t say it out loud, to hear about what’s been going through Nicole’s mind.

 

“This isn’t your fault,” Waverly murmurs as she tries to comfort her girlfriend. It’s like she’s reading Nicole’s mind. “ _None_ of it.”

 

Nicole buries her face in Waverly’s chest, her heart racing as she fights every instinct that tells her to _run, run, run._

 

“Baby, do you need to go-”

 

“Please, no,” Nicole cuts her off. “I can’t…they’ll just want to stick me in St. Jude’s and I can’t…”

 

“I know, baby. I know,” Waverly thinks about what being institutionalized did to her sister, and her heart breaks thinking about what it might do to Nicole. “I’m sorry for suggesting it. I just don’t…I don’t want to lose you. And I don’t…” Waverly says, her voice shaking, “I don’t know how to help.”

 

Nicole curses herself for breaking down again, and for making Waverly upset this time. She’s gone from having absolute control over what she presents to the world to having no control whatsoever over when things might bubble over. At this point, Nicole doesn’t even know why she’s crying half the time.

 

As everything whirls around in Nicole’s mind, her breathing grows shallow and she breaks out in a cold sweat.

 

 _Great, now a panic attack_.

 

“Nicole? Nicole, look at me, okay?” Waverly tilts her chin up so Nicole’s looking at her, her face drained of colour. “Roll over onto your other side for me,” she says quietly. Helping Nicole roll over so her back is to Waverly, she presses her body flush to the redhead’s.

 

Nicole’s body shakes against her as she readjusts her position. There’s no resistance as Waverly wraps her arms around Nicole’s chest and takes her hands. Nicole’s breathing is still shallow and panicked as Waverly tightens her grip around her chest, but she recognizes what Waverly’s doing.

 

“It’s okay, baby,” Waverly murmurs into Nicole’s ear. “Try to breathe.”

 

Nicole squeezes her eyes shut, fighting every urge her body has to panic, to run, to hide away. She lets Waverly hold her tight, and the pressure across her chest works quickly. Her fingers are threaded through Waverly’s and she squeezes her girlfriend’s hands, putting her complete trust in the other woman.

 

After several minutes, it’s like someone has suddenly flipped a switch and Nicole remembers how to breathe again.

 

“There you go,” Waverly says, kissing Nicole’s neck lightly. Beneath her hands, she can feel Nicole’s breathing grow deeper and steadier. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

 

A quiet knock at the door startles Waverly.

 

“Wynonna, not now!” She hisses, hoping her sister hears her.

 

Waverly rolls her eyes as Wynonna enters the room anyway.

 

Wynonna walks in to see Waverly bundled up in bed holding Nicole, who looks significantly worse for wear, tight to her. They both look exhausted.

 

“What’s up, Wynonna?” Nicole asks, her voice quiet.

 

“Thought you might want one of these.” Wynonna offers a small white pill in her outstretched hand and a mug of water in her other hand. “It’ll help you sleep tonight.”

 

“Wynonna, I don’t need-”

 

“Just _take_ it, Haught. One night of decent sleep isn’t gonna kill you.”

 

Waverly loosens her grip so Nicole can sit up. She rolls her eyes at Wynonna as she accepts the offerings, but she’s grateful for the gesture all the same. Wynonna gives Nicole’s shoulder a squeeze before leaving as quickly as she’d come in.

 

Waverly looks over at Nicole, propping herself up on one elbow. Nicole’s sitting with her shoulders hunched slightly and staring at her hands, which she’s twisting anxiously in her lap.

 

“Wynonna gets it, doesn’t she?” Waverly asks quietly. With her other hand she reaches out to rub Nicole’s back, and she sees a little of the tension drop out of her shoulders at the contact.

 

“She helped me a lot today.”

 

“I’m glad you could talk to her,” Waverly says. “She likes to _pretend_ she doesn’t have feelings, but I know she cares about you. I mean, she did _laundry_ for you,” Waverly laughed. “You’re family now.”

 

Nicole smiles halfheartedly, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

 

“C’mere,” Waverly tugs gently on the hem of Nicole’s t-shirt to get her to lie back down.

 

Nicole feels the effects of the sleeping pill start to creep in and allows herself to give in to the first night of decent sleep she’s had in weeks, safely wrapped in Waverly’s arms.

 

***

 

Things aren’t miraculously better the next day. Things aren’t better, but Waverly and Wynonna _stay_.

 

No one ever stays, but the Earp sisters are different.

 

Nicole still can’t get out of bed the next morning, but Waverly is there. When Nicole starts sobbing, apologizing over and over for not being able to pull herself out of the hole she’s trapped in, Waverly gathers her up in her arms and tells her she’s going to be okay.

 

After eventually dragging herself out of bed, Waverly offers to drive them into town so Nicole can refill the medication she hasn’t been taking.

 

The drugstore isn’t busy, but it still feels like all eyes are on her as she shuffles to the pharmacy counter. There might as well be a neon sign floating above her head advertising her complete mental collapse, because she _knows_ she looks as miserable as she feels.

 

Waverly takes Nicole’s hand while they wait in line to pick up the prescription and tries to distract her by telling her about the book she’s reading, but Nicole only half-listens. Waverly’s hand is soft in hers, and her voice is soothing, but the content of what she’s saying just doesn’t penetrate the fog around her brain.

 

The drive back to Nicole’s is quiet.

 

“Waverly…” Nicole begins tentatively, not daring to look up at her from her end of the couch.

 

“Mm?”

 

Nicole still doesn’t look at her, but she can feel Waverly looking over at her intently.

 

“I…this…” Nicole stumbles over her words, not sure how to express what she needs to. She takes a deep breath to steady herself and clenches her hands into fists in her lap. “This isn’t gonna go away. I’ve been fighting it for so long and it’s just-”

 

“Nicole,” Waverly says, reaching across the couch with one foot to nudge Nicole playfully, “ _breathe_.”

 

“I’m just saying, I’m a lot to deal with. I didn’t think it would be when we started dating, because, well, you’re _you_ and you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Nicole feels her face flush.

 

“Baby, where is this going? Are you trying to…”

 

“…give you an out. I would understand if you…didn’t want to…”

 

Her voice trails off, and Waverly is left staring at Nicole with her mouth agape.

 

This isn’t her Nicole.

 

“Baby, I’m not sure I understand. Do you want me to _break up_ with you?”

 

Nicole shakes her head slowly. She hugs her knees closer to her chest, trying to fold herself up small enough that maybe, if she’s lucky, she’ll just disappear.

 

“Then why…”

 

“Because you deserve so much more than this!” Nicole exclaims, “You deserve someone who isn’t on the verge of breaking down all the time and who doesn’t just _drop off_ the face of the earth for a week! You just deserve everything good, Waves. And I don’t know if I can give that to you.”

 

Waverly slides across the couch and gently pries Nicole’s knees apart so she can get closer to the other woman. She rests her hands on Nicole’s shoulders and feels she’s trembling.

 

“Nicole, please look at me.” Waverly says softly. She nudges one of Nicole’s legs off the couch entirely so she can position herself as close to her as possible.

 

Nicole looks up at Waverly slowly. Her eyes are red and Waverly can see she’s holding back tears. Something flashes across them that looks like fear, and Waverly’s heart breaks just a little.

 

“I’m not…I would never even _dream_ of leaving you,” Waverly says. Nicole’s body softens just slightly as Waverly wraps her arms around her and pulls her close in a strong embrace. She brings a hand up to cradle the back of Nicole’s head, threading her fingers through her hair.

 

“I’m scared.”

 

At her quiet admission, Waverly’s arms tighten around her.

 

“What is it you’re scared of?” Waverly murmurs. “Whatever it is…we can deal with it. Together.”

 

Nicole pulls back just slightly so she can look Waverly in the eyes, but Waverly doesn’t let go of her.

 

“I’m so scared that this won’t go away. That one day, I’ll wake up and just…be like this forever.”

 

“Nicole…” Waverly begins, “I don’t know what it’s like for you right now. But I _do_ know that I love you.”

 

Waverly leans in and kisses Nicole, and it’s slow and deep and still so gentle Nicole feels like she could just melt. She wraps her arms around Waverly’s waist and rests her head on the smaller woman’s shoulder.

 

As they sit, wrapped in each other’s arms, Waverly begins to hum softly. Nicole feels the vibrations from Waverly’s chest echo through her own, and she feels the monster sitting on her chest start to back off ever so slightly.

 

“We’re gonna get you help, okay?” Waverly murmurs, her arms still wrapped tight around Nicole. She presses a gentle kiss to the side of Nicole’s neck and tastes something salty on her skin.

 

“Hey…”

 

Nicole lifts her head and Waverly breaks the embrace to gently wipe away the tears that are running down Nicole’s cheeks.

 

“Waves…”

 

“You’re gonna be okay, Nicole. And you’re stuck with me, whether you like it or not.”

 

Nicole laughs in spite of herself. “Even if I go crazy again five years down the line?”

  
Waverly grins and kisses the tip of Nicole’s nose. “ _Especially_ if you go crazy five years down the line.” She tucks Nicole’s hair back behind her ears, “I won’t let you go through this alone.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is messy, and Waverly has no plans to leave Nicole's side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEEEEASE READ THE TAGS.
> 
> Like.
> 
> Even harder for this chapter.
> 
> The responses to the first chapter genuinely floored me, so thank y'all so much for reading this. It felt like an important story to tell.

It doesn’t take five years before Waverly’s tested on her promise.

 

Even back on medication and seeing a new therapist in the city, it still feels like Nicole’s on the brink every day. Waverly is there by her side the entire time, and no matter how hard she tries to hide how she’s feeling she feels like Waverly sees right through her.

 

When Nicole goes out drinking with Wynonna, just the two of them, a couple months later, she doesn’t plan on drinking as much as she does. She knows she shouldn’t be drinking at all, but she does anyway.

 

Waverly is clearly irritated with them both when she shows up to collect them from Shorty’s, but she still kisses Nicole hello with a soft smile and smooths back some flyaway strands of her hair. Wynonna gags dramatically, and Waverly drives them all back to Nicole’s.

 

Wynonna kicks off her boots and stumbles up to the guest room. Waverly leads Nicole to the kitchen instead; Wynonna can handle herself, but she’s never seen Nicole this far gone.

 

“Baby, I want you to drink some water before you go to bed, okay?” Waverly says, her voice gentle. Nicole drains the glass Waverly hands to her and sits at the kitchen table facing her girlfriend.

 

Nicole looks up at her, and her eyes have taken on something so much heavier than alcohol.

 

“Did you take your meds tonight?” Waverly asks quietly as she cradles Nicole’s face in her hands.

 

Guilt courses through Nicole’s body, certainly not helped by the amount of vodka currently coursing through her system, and she feels tears start to leak out of her eyes as she shakes her head.

 

“It’s okay.” Waverly holds Nicole’s head against her body and runs her fingers through her hair in a soothing rhythm. “It’s not too late to do that.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Waverly…I’m so sorry I’m not better…” Nicole slurs.

 

There’s a hollow, final undertone in her voice, and Waverly’s mind starts racing, thinking about the sheet of paper taped inside Nicole’s medicine cabinet. The one they’d filled out together at one of Nicole’s first therapy appointments. Nicole had rolled her eyes at it, but Waverly was willing to do anything to make sure Nicole stayed safe. She tries to remember the steps they’d come up with as she takes Nicole’s hand to lead her up to bed.

 

Waverly helps Nicole up the stairs, supporting the bulk of her weight. While Nicole changes into her pajamas, Waverly shakes out a capsule from one of the bottles sitting on the bathroom counter. She pauses before going back to the bedroom, and without second-guessing herself, she rummages through the medicine cabinet and pulls out several more bottles.

 

“Waves, what’re you doin’?”

 

Waverly jumps at her sister’s voice, and turns around to find her standing in the door looking drunk and confused.

 

“Wynonna, can you take these and stash them in the guest room?” Waverly asks, thrusting the bottles into her sister’s hands. “I don’t care where; I’ll explain tomorrow.”

 

Wynonna just shrugs and does what Waverly asks, still too drunk to really care. Waverly returns to Nicole’s bedroom to find her already curled up into a ball under the covers.

 

“Baby, I need you to take this before you go to bed, okay?”

 

Nicole accepts the pill and washes it down with a swig from the water bottle Waverly filled for her.

 

She doesn’t deserve Waverly. As Nicole watches Waverly change and get ready for bed herself, every beat of her heart reminds her that she’s not good enough for the woman who’s been so supportive and understanding and who’s never left her side.

 

Waverly falls asleep quickly beside her, but Nicole can’t sleep.

 

***

 

A commotion from the hallway startles Waverly awake. She hears footsteps outside the bedroom and realises Nicole’s not beside her anymore.

 

_“ **WAVERLY!** ” _

 

Waverly stumbles out of bed and into the hall, where Wynonna is kneeling beside an unconscious Nicole.

 

“What the-”

 

“Gimme your phone,” Wynonna says, breathing hard. “I think she took something.”

 

Waverly’s heart nearly stops when the implication of her sister’s words. She darts back into her room for her phone and passes it off to Wynonna.

 

“Stay with her,” Wynonna says.

 

It feels like Waverly spends an eternity on the floor, kneeling beside Nicole. She keeps two fingers pressed to the pulse point at Nicole’s neck, feeling the thready but present pulse beat underneath her fingers.

 

“You’re gonna be okay, baby…” Waverly breathes, hoping it’s the truth. Nicole’s breathing is shallow, and all the colour has drained out of her face. She takes one of Nicole's hands in her free hand and waits what feels like forever for Wynonna to get off the phone.

 

“Wynonna, what _happened_?” Waverly asks after Wynonna hangs up.

 

Wynonna sinks down next to Waverly, eyes wide like she can’t believe what’s happening.

 

“I got up to go to the bathroom, and she was just gripping the edge of the sink and her eyes looked all wonky. So I asked what was wrong, and as she was turning to answer me she just…collapsed.”

 

Waverly feels her stomach drop, and her grip on Nicole's hand tightens.

 

"It's gonna be all right," Wynonna says quietly.

 

***

 

When Wynonna and Waverly burst into the emergency room behind the ambulance, they're immediately shepherded into a familiar waiting area while the doctors try to stabilize Nicole.

 

Wynonna doesn’t know how to console her sister, who immediately starts pacing back and forth in the largely empty room. Wynonna just watches.

 

“I tried…Wynonna, I tried to…” Waverly says, wringing her hands as she continues to pace.

 

“I know you did. I know what you were trying to do when you gave me all that stuff earlier, baby girl,” Wynonna sighs.

 

“Obviously I missed something! I should have noticed sooner!”

 

Waverly stops and whips around to face Wynonna, her eyes wide with fear.

 

“Listen, Benadryl isn’t usually the first thing people think to hide from the medicine cabinet, okay? She’s going to be fine; none of this is your fault. And it’s not her fault either.” Wynonna adds quietly.

 

That stops Waverly cold. The reality and the weight of what’s happening slams into both Earp sisters. There are no supernatural forces at work here, no demons to be slain.

 

“She’s gonna have a really hard time coming back from this, isn’t she?” Waverly asks quietly. She sinks into the chair beside Wynonna, and Wynonna takes her sister’s hand in her own.

 

“Yeah, baby girl. I think she might.”

 

“I don’t know how to help her,” Waverly says, her voice shaking. “I thought I did, but…she did it anyway.”

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Wynonna kisses Waverly’s forehead in a comforting gesture.

 

***

 

“Damn it Haught,” Wynonna murmurs. She isn’t a doctor, but she can see that Nicole’s vitals aren’t great.

 

She really almost died.

 

Wynonna looks at her best friend, pale and sedated in the hospital bed. A machine breathes for her while her body tries to flush the medication from her system, and as Nicole’s chest rises and falls with each mechanical whirr, Wynonna is reminded of the promise she made when Nicole had widow venom coursing through her veins.

 

“I’m not letting you go, dipshit,” Wynonna mumbles. “Not this time.”

 

Wynonna wants to be upset with Nicole for being willing to throw everything away. She wants to be upset at her best friend for breaking the promise she made never to hurt her baby sister.

 

But she’s been to that low place herself. There’s nothing logical about it. She can’t read Nicole’s mind, but if she could she’s pretty sure that her intent was never to hurt the people she loves.

 

She almost quits on them one more time during the night, and it scares the bejesus out of them.

 

The monitors suddenly go berserk, yanking Wynonna and Waverly out of their half-doze.

 

“What’s happening?” Waverly mumbles, looking confused as nurses run into the room.

 

“I don’t know, baby girl.”

 

Wynonna stands off to the side and watches while the doctors and nurses work to stabilize Nicole again. She holds her shaking sister close to her and prays to every god she doesn’t believe in for Nicole to survive.

 

“I swear to god I’ll kill her myself,” Wynonna mutters, trying not to let her fear creep into her voice.

 

“Wynonna, don’t SAY that!” Waverly hisses, close to tears.

 

“I will, I swear. If she dies on us, I’ll kill her.”

 

***

 

Purgatory General isn’t big enough to have a proper psych unit, and Nicole thanks her lucky stars for that. Even though she’s mostly recovered from her overdose, she’s being kept for observation.

 

She tries to convince her doctors to let her go home, but they’re having none of it.

 

“Nice try, Haught-shot. When I was 17 they made me go through the same song and dance,” Wynonna says, laughing darkly, once the psychiatrist leaves Nicole’s room.

 

“At least they’re not locking me up like a goddamn criminal,” Nicole grumbles. “Been there, done that, don’t particularly want to do it again.”

 

Wynonna raises her eyebrows over her coffee cup. “Care to elaborate?”

 

“Oh please,” Nicole huffs, rolling her eyes, “Don’t tell me you’re _actually_ surprised.”

 

“I’m not judging you, okay?” Wynonna says, choosing her words carefully. “And I’m not _making_ you tell me anything.”

 

Nicole hugs her knees close to her chest and sighs. “There’s not much to tell. It happened a year or so after I graduated from university, and I got put on lockdown for like two weeks after.”

 

Wynonna lets out a low whistle. “That’s tough.”

 

Nicole just nods and appreciates that Wynonna doesn’t press for more. She’s exhausted, and she feels like she’s got the worst hangover of her entire life.

 

Wynonna checks her phone and sees a series of texts from Waverly informing her that she’s on her way back to the hospital. She heads back to the homestead once her sister returns, wanting to give them time alone together.

 

“Hey baby,” Nicole says quietly. She has a hard time making eye contact with Waverly, and feels her cheeks flush slightly under the other woman’s gaze.

 

“I brought you some clothes,” Waverly says, holding up Nicole’s gym bag with a smile. She sets the bag down beside Nicole’s bed and sits down on the edge, resting a hand on Nicole’s knee.

 

“How’re you feeling?”

 

Nicole only shrugs, feeling all the words she wants to say get stuck in her throat.

 

“Scooch over.”

 

Nicole lets Waverly settle herself beside her. She leans her head on Nicole’s shoulder and takes one of Nicole’s hands in her own.

 

“I bet you have questions.”

 

“Do I ever _not_?”

 

Nicole chuckles halfheartedly. “Okay, touché.”

 

“I’m just glad you’re okay. Questions can wait.”

 

Waverly kisses Nicole’s cheek gently and notices she’s still staring straight ahead.

 

“Nicole…look at me.” Waverly gently uses two fingers to turn Nicole’s gaze to her. She brushes a couple stray tears from Nicole’s cheek with her thumb. “You don’t have to tell me everything right now. If you’re afraid I’ll end things over this…” she says, seeing a flash of fear in Nicole’s eyes, “it’s your brain feeding you nothing but lies, got it?”

 

“Got it.” Nicole’s smile is a little more relaxed this time. “Thank you, Waves.”

 

“C’mere.”

 

Waverly kisses Nicole softly, and Nicole laughs against her lips.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I just realized how badly I need some Chapstick.”

 

Nicole’s body starts shaking as laughter bubbles up from deep inside her. She slumps against a confused Waverly, laughing so hard her stomach starts to hurt and tears run down her cheeks. Waverly lets her get it out of her system with an arm around her shoulders, watching Nicole with an amused expression.

 

“I’m sorry,” Nicole gasps out as her laughter dies down. “This is all so… _fucking ridiculous …_ ”

 

“You gonna make it?” Waverly asks, raising her eyebrows.

 

Nicole nods, wiping her eyes one last time, and relaxes against Waverly.

 

“Did the doctor come by while I was gone?” Waverly asks as Nicole settles into her side.

 

Nicole makes a small noise of affirmation. “I’m pretty much over…it. I tried to get him to let me go home, but no dice.” She sighs. “I forgot how much the aftermath sucks.”

 

“It’ll be okay,” Waverly says quietly. “True, it might suck, but it’ll all still be okay.”

 

She pauses for a moment, taking in Nicole’s appearance. Even though there’s no denying she looks better than she did after she’d just come off the ventilator, Waverly can practically see the defeat resting heavily on Nicole’s shoulders. The blue of her hospital gown throws her pallid skin and dark circles into sharp contrast, and she’s leaning into Waverly with what can only be described as utter exhaustion.

 

“I brought a couple changes of clothes for you, if you want to ditch the hospital gown,” Waverly says quietly, kissing the top of Nicole’s head. “It might make you feel better to be in something a little less…clinical.” She reaches down and grabs the gym bag she’d set beside the bed, handing it to Nicole.

 

Nicole changes quickly, anxious to rid herself of the hospital garb. The leggings and PSD t-shirt make things feel a little more normal. Waverly opens her arms to Nicole wordlessly, and Nicole settles herself back in the small bed beside the brunette, who’s kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable.

 

It’s only the middle of the afternoon, but Nicole feels like she could sleep for hours. Waverly gently runs her fingers through Nicole’s hair, not pressing her for conversation.

 

“Baby, you really do look exhausted,” Waverly says. “It’s okay if you just want to get some sleep.” She leans in and kisses Nicole slowly. “I’ll wake you up if anyone needs you, okay?”

 

Nicole rests her head against Waverly’s chest and tries to relax. Her eyelids grow heavy as she feels the steady rise and fall of Waverly’s breathing and the security of her arms around her.

 

Waverly watches Nicole’s body relax as she drifts off in her arms, and she feels a pang of sadness go through her heart. She can still see that Nicole’s holding a lot of tension in her body, and even as she sleeps Waverly sees her brow is furrowed with worry. Waverly kisses the top of her head and holds her a little tighter, careful not to wake her.

 

***

 

Nedley comes by to check on her the next day, not long after Nicole’s first therapy session, and she tentatively broaches the subject of going on leave once she’s discharged from the hospital. Her heart pounds in her chest as she makes the request of her boss.

 

When she brings it up, Nedley isn’t surprised. He’s seen a steady decline in his deputy’s health and general well-being, and needs very little convincing that she needs the time off to take care of herself.

 

“I’ll have someone send over the paperwork,” He says gruffly, giving Nicole a slightly awkward pat on the shoulder. “You get yourself sorted out, Haught, you hear me?”

 

“Yes sir.” Nicole responds, guilt gnawing at her insides. She twists the sheet beneath her in her hands, not making eye contact with the sheriff.

 

The sheriff pauses at the door on his way out. Nicole looks over at him, braving eye contact, and sees something different in his eyes.

 

“You’re the strongest deputy I’ve got,” He says. “And I mean it. You’re gonna be all right.”

 

Nicole holds herself together until Nedley leaves. As soon as he pulls the door closed behind him, her chest tightens and shoulders slump as hot tears start to spill down her cheeks.

 

She wishes more than anything that Waverly was there beside her, if only to reassure her that she hasn’t failed as a competent person. It’s like some sort of dam has been breached, and Nicole hugs her knees close as she lets herself cry.

 

Almost like she could sense Nicole’s distress, Waverly chooses that moment to knock gently on the door, returning from a coffee run.

 

“I got you one of those fancy drinks you love so mu--Baby, what’s wrong??”

 

Nicole tries to calm herself down as she looks up and sees Waverly’s panicked face, but instead she’s overwhelmed by another wave of tears.

 

Waverly sets their drinks down on the table beside Nicole’s bed and sits down in front of her. As she grabs a couple tissues from the box beside the bed with one hand, she gently moves Nicole’s hands away from her face with the other.

 

“Hey…” she begins quietly, “Look at me.”

 

With one hand, Waverly dries Nicole’s eyes gently while she rests the other on her knee.

 

“D’you want to talk about it?”

 

Nicole takes a few deep, shaky breaths to calm herself before she tells Waverly about her morning, including her encounter with her boss.

 

“Waves, it was the most mortifying experience of my _life,"_ Nicole groans.

 

“Baby, he just wants you to get better, I know he does. And if you need to take some time off to do it, there’s nothing wrong with that.” Waverly leans in to kiss Nicole’s cheek quickly, hoping to draw a smile from the redhead.

 

“I feel so…” Nicole draws another shuddering breath, willing herself not to start crying again, “I feel _useless ._ I couldn’t even handle going back to work for three _months_!”

 

“Nicole Rayleigh Haught.”

 

Nicole looks up at Waverly’s use of her full name. Her hazel eyes are boring into Nicole with a fierce intensity, the gold in them flashing.

 

“If you had to take the time off because you were having surgery, you would.”

 

“But I shouldn’t need this,” Nicole says quietly. “I should be stronger than this.”

 

“Baby, you’re _sick ._ And taking care of your mental health when it starts to slip-” Waverly grabs Nicole’s hands as she tries to turn her back, keeping her where she is,  "- when _your mental health slips ,_ you need to take _care_ of yourself.”

 

Nicole’s been called “sick” before, plenty of times and for plenty of reasons. But when Waverly says it, it’s different. She doesn’t make Nicole feel like she’s made a mistake or like there’s something fundamentally wrong with her; instead, she’s reminding Nicole that this is just a bump in the road, another problem for them to solve. Together.

 

“It’s okay to stumble, and it’s okay to need help. Plus, I’m being selfish,” Waverly adds, resting her forehead against Nicole’s and kissing the tip of her nose. “I want you around forever.”

 

Overwhelmed by her girlfriend’s seemingly infinite capacity for compassion, Nicole leans into Waverly and lets her strong arms envelop her in an embrace.

 

“You _matter,_ Nicole.” Waverly murmurs into her ear, her voice breaking slightly. “No matter _what_ your brain is trying to tell you. You _deserve t_ he time to heal, and I’ll write that on a damn sticky note for you if it’s what you need.”

 

Nicole laughs because she knows Waverly will absolutely do it.

 

Sure enough, when she comes back from therapy that afternoon, Nicole keeps finding notes written in Waverly’s neat script tucked all over the room.

 

_You’re here._

_You stay._

_You matter._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally cannot thank my beta, [Blankagenda](http://twitter.com/blankagenda) enough for providing the supportive words and constructive feedback I needed to make sure I got this right. ESPECIALLY this chapter. I can't tell you how many times I bugged them to make sure this wasn't going overboard.
> 
> I'm literally always on Twitter, so feel free to come yell at me [here](http://twitter.com/unsaltysaltines)!

**Author's Note:**

> I literally cannot thank my beta, [Blankagenda](http://twitter.com/blankagenda) enough for providing the supportive words and constructive feedback I needed to make sure I got this right.
> 
> There is a second chapter waiting in the wings!
> 
> I'm literally always on Twitter, so feel free to come yell at me [here](http://twitter.com/unsaltysaltines)!


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